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OUTREACH
STORIES
Don't Lose a Child Over an Interfaith Marriage
Elaine Harvey
Shabbat Shalom,
I have been asked to share my experiences with you tonight as a Mother and Grandmother
with two children who are married to non-Jews.
One of my daughters and her husband chose a Jewish path: They were married by
a rabbi in a Jewish ceremony, and even before their marriage they had agreed
to bring the chidren up as Jews. We were thrilled with this decision and felt
it ensured us a role as Jewish grandparents, one we had looked forward to for
so many years. These children are now almost five and ten. They both completed
pre-school here at Congregation Beth Israel and the older one completed kindergarten
here as well. She is now attending our Religious School.
The other grandparents love them dearly, have come to some of our seders, have
been at some of the programs of the pre-school but are uncomfortable with the
synagogue and wish that the girls had been baptized and were being brought up
in their church.
My youngest son chose a different route: he was married in a church and agreed
to raise their children in his wife's church. The wedding was very lovely and
from an intellectual point of view wonderful. From an emotional point of view
it was difficult. However, my daghter-in-law and her family are so wonderful
that we were very happy. My daughter-in-law is very confortable whenever she
is in the synagogue and loves to share all of the Jewish holidays and events
with us.
It is easy to discuss religion and our similarities with my daughter-in-law and
her family. Not so with my son-in-law's family. He himself is very committed
to the girls being Jewish but his parents are not.
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My son and his family live in Chicago and my daughter-in-law's parents live in
Connecticut so they are unable to join us for holidays. Her parents never fail
to send us cards and/or flowers for the various holidays.
What has helped the most, whether they are comfortable with our faith or not
is that the families of both spouses come from strong, loving families that are
devoted to their faith and are willing to share holidays with us. They are respectful
of our beliefs as we are of theirs.
A little plus for me is the fact that there is never a fight over whose house
to go to for the Jewish holidays. They always come to me.
So this is a thunbnail sketch of our family experience: now I would like to contrast
it with that of another family who I have never met, but whose life experience
and mine have intersected.
My sister and brother-in-law had a once a month Chavurah from
their synagogue where there were regular discussion of matters of substance.
A few years ago, the topic for discussion was interfaith marriage. The overwhelming
opinion was that none of them would allow their children to marry somone not
Jewish. One of the men present became quite emotional and stated that he would
disown any child of his that did so, and would never see or speak to them again.
At this point my sister told my story. She related the fact that my youngest
son had just married a non-Jewish girl in church and they had agreed to raise
the children in her faith. She shared with the group that we had lost a son a
few years before that, and that as a result of experiencing unbearable grief,
we vowed we would never lose a child over an interfaith marriage.
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At this point in the meeting everyone fell silent. The man who had been so adamant
about his own family started to cry and stated that he would rethink his position.
When my sister described this very powerful interaction to me I was reminded
of the rightness of our family's approach and heartened to know that we had made
a difference in another family's life through our own life experience, despite
the fact that we had never met.
I have three wonderful in-law children, one of whom is Jewish. I have six grandchildren,
all of whom are being raised with strong faith, community, and family connections.
When we come together, we celebrate our differences and embrace our commonalities.
Most of all, we love and respect each other and our choices.
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Outreach Stories
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